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November 26th, 2014

04:28 am - can't sleep
I can't sleep.

I can't sleep because caleb is throwing one of his traditional fits of epic and dramatic nature over a lighting and bedding situation. He's formed a cocoon on the floor and is now thrashing around violently for no apparent reason...probably because i'm typing.

He's probably freaking my cat out. poor baby. New environment is scary enough already.

I just don't feel super welcome. Mom was in a pissy mood when she got home. Didn't want to spend time with us. Got mad at us for making noise because she wanted to watch her show and be plugged in to whatever she was doing on her laptop and phone collectively.

It makes me nervous about taking this job. Driving over here, I really felt my heart set on the position. I feel like it would be an amazing opportunity for me. But there are other factors involved... and is it worth compromising on these other aspects of my life?

Being an out of town kid has its celebrity perks... it means people are extra excited to see you when you do return. It also makes you miss home often, and with a great deal of intensity. Usually I have a great time being home...but kind of feel...displaced. Mom's house does not really offer a whole lot of room for more than one additional person and has become clearly apparent in tonight's situation. I just kind of want to go stay at Dads, but I have the cat and I don't think he would let him come.

That's the other concern. My animals. I will not abandon them. I thought perhaps I could have them stay here while I live at dads to build savings to move to seattle working this new job but now I feel like that's not going to be an option either.

I honestly just kind of feel out of options here. I feel like I just can't make the pieces fit together. Maybe that's a sign. But it could be a sign that I haven't heard anything positive back from anything in spokane either.

I miss my spokane home. I miss my bed, my room mates, Nora ding and my general set up and just wish I had stayed there for thanksgiving. They have become more of a family than I feel like I had here tonight. Sure, my family supports and loves me, but I feel like I'm at the age now where I'm on my own and moving back would just not be what I glorify it to be.


-Interesting job that i'm passionate about
-Unconventional work schedule
-Great pay- at least the best I've had
-Working in my field
-Degree required
-Case load work
-Great quality non-profit
-Close to home
-Close to Tory, Nicole, Jaime, Nikki, etc
-Great co-worker environment

-Living at home
-Animals set up?
-Room mates
-Comfort in Spokane
-Cost of living in Seattle

I don't know. I just ... physically ache thinking about making a decision. I wish that I would be offered the job in Spokane because logically, that would be the best choice. I could stay rooted, grow a little, and move home when I'm more ready. Unfortunately, that is not how life likes to present things I suppose. I really did like that other job and the people I met there, but you never really never know how they felt about you until they do or don't call.
Current Location: Bainbridge Island
Current Mood: Indecisive
Current Music: The New Basement Tapes

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October 30th, 2014

03:05 pm - Thoughts
I'm just sitting here at starbucks, stuck.

I've applied to 4 jobs. That aspect of my life is going... ok. I'm certainly trying.

Tony dropped off all communication last night only to tell me today that he's back in the whirlwind of emotions that was the last few days activity. He's still hurt by what happened and isn't sure he can move past it.
but... we did. We had an understanding and had pages and pages of emails between us both detailing specifically HOW we were to move past it.

And now he's dragging me over the coals all over again? Are you freaking kidding me.

I made a mistake seeing Mike and not telling him about it. I honestly didn't remember that it was something he and told me he didn't want, and to be honest I think it's more about going against what he said than it is about not disclosing it. I was trying to protect the relationship. I didn't tell him straight off- but he denied me the opportunity to do so by looking at my phone. He never trusted me even from the start.

He has view of me that just isn't valid. He believes that i'm some awful cheating person when thats not at all what I am. I had a very broke relationship with Case and that caused me to act inappropriately on my feelings for Tony, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It's like he already thinks it and he's fighting that impulse more than anything.

I've said everything that I CAN say about the situation to him. How sorry I am, i've fought for us time and time again but if he can't believe me, if he can't trust me, this whole thing isn't going to work at all.

I just think it's complete bullshit that he would pull me back in like that, and then pull back again. No one deserves that kind of emotional turmoil. If he needed time he should have taken the time. This is bordering on unfair to me now, as I've paid for my actions and provided solutions.

At this point i'm not even sure he's the man I'm supposed to be with. You can't be with someone who doesn't trust you. Maybe he doesn't just this moment, but with time he could. It's his choice whether or not he wants to, and I just have to accept it.

The torture is the waiting. The being stuck. Sitting here on our 6 month anniversary feeling like the cheater I very much am NOT. He made mistakes too. He violated my privacy with his deep rooted insecurities, yet does that get taken into consideration? NO.

My closest friends and family are not happy. They see red flags and they don't believe I should be with anyone at this time. Maybe they're right, maybe they're not. All I can do is pray that he will come to some conclusion so that either way we can move forward, together or apart.

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October 14th, 2014

04:20 pm - Thoughts
I'm coming off a cold, its dreary outside and i just feel disgusting, physically and mentally and i'm real frustrated with where I am for 25.

I have a great support system here. Wonderful friends and family of friends who pick me up when I fall, i've established a community that I feel safe enough to stay regardless of my relationship situation.

My relationship situation.... in a relationship. With Tony Marrazzo, and on it's 6 month of being so. Things are going well it seems. We continue to learn about each other and figure things out as we go, but sometimes he gets busy and I go back to being this lost little person because I have no outside fulfillment in my life. Sure i have my workouts, i have my friends, wine and other fleeting things that make me happy for moments. What I'm missing though? Direction. Purpose. A career I passionately get up every day happy to do.

I've had so many different ideas cross my mind and it just seriously drives me crazy that I can't just pick one and stick with it. I heard something today about picking things. You just pick something....and do it the best you can. Maybe that's what I need to do. I thought i did that the first time but the first time, I picked something thankless, penniless and draining. I guess this time around i'm looking to not make the same mistake and find something that is equally fulfilling, enjoyable, fun, exciting and lucrative. Does such a career even exist?

The hard thing about me, is that i'm easily mold-able. I can see myself doing so many different things, yet I pursue none of them. See impressive list:

1. School Counselor: This is one I had back in high school. Creating unique solutions for each kids life/career plan....helping them through tough stuff and the hours of a teacher with summers off? Seems like a sweet deal. Yet, requires more school and likely the kind of job i'd have to move for.

2. Personal Trainer: Stemming from my passion of helping people, this is something i've always found an interest in. However, its sporadic and isn't going to provide much more of an income than my current dead end.

3. Nutritionist: Helping people make healthy choices and helping educate on those healthy choices? Seems REALLY awesome to me. I've looked into it. Nutritionists are far and few between and he road to becoming a licensed dietitian is a hard one. I'm intimidated by the math and science associated with a kind of job like this and wonder if i'd fail.

4. Get my MBA and do something...business-y. But WHAT? The corporate world doesn't interest me, nor do I fit in. The only reason i'd pursue HR is to stay out of the line of HR. Talk about ironic.

5. Get my MSW, suck it up and do some social work. Let's face it, when i'm looking for jobs, this is what I gravitate towards. Maybe out of habit, perhaps, but also because these kind of jobs truly do draw me in. If I'm meant to do it in some way, why not achieve that higher education and go for it? with the MBA at least I would be making substantially more.

And there you have it. my top 5 floating career ideas. Maybe i'm just not the type of person that ever achieves fulfillment from a job alone. Maybe its having my personal life in order, strong support and social life and a mirage of hobbies that keeps me going.

I just believe there is more to me than that. I have a passion for education and learning. I dream big and have high expectations of myself and what I can accomplish. I want to pursue a masters degree in some regard, whatever that may be but am intimidated by the careers that interest me because they seem time consuming and hard and to be completely honest I don't think i can bs my way through my current situation much longer.

So what am I supposed to do?

I guess the only thing I can continue to do is keep looking. Keep asking questions and exploring whenever I can. I think i'm close to a breakthrough I can feel it, I just have to get through all the difficult internalizing that I struggle so much with. Wish me luck.

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September 12th, 2014

11:38 am - Update
Thing are going really, really well with Tony and overall I'm a lot happier these days.

I've stopped thinking about Case, for the most part. Occasionally here and there I'll wonder what he's doing. I saw his car at walmart near shadle recently and did all but duck behind aisle to avoid seeing him. I just...dont want to. I want nothing to do with him, and really dont want to be met with that sort of opportunity. I do still wonder how he's doing, if he's grown up at all or if he even think about me. I wonder if he and Gopher girl are still together, if it was worth rejecting me. Part of me wishes they were no longer together, and most of me just doesn't care. He wasn't what I wanted, and wasn't who he percieved himself to be. This " good ol boy" from Spokane teddy bear would never hurt a girl type. After all the alcohol issues, cheating and lying... It's pretty clear I was in deillusion for so long. Its ok, I learned so much from the way that relationship went downhill but I'm also really just grateful that I am not marrying him. I dont have to spend the rest of my life with his rants, immaturity and stunted emotions.

Things with Tony are going absolutely fantastic. I'm really, really happy with him. I know that this is a pretty common thing to say when you are WITH someone. But what I can tell you, is that I've never been this happy in my life. I've never been this sure about someone, treated this well, or seen a future with someone quite so clearly. Sure, I had aspirations to marry Case, because thats just where I saw it going, but honestly, I saw a future without him pretty clearly too. Despite the hardship and heartache i've endured this year, He's worth all of it.

It's just crazy though, how a guy who I could barely call a "friend" what with the nature of our relations, turns out to be the absolute best person for me to spend my life with, hopefully. We've been close, faded away, had intense attraction and physical activity throughout the years but when he came to my door asking for more, it changed everything I knew about him.
In the past, he had been a friend to Case, and one to me independently. We had hung out as a threesome, most regularly in an inebriated state. The situation would always play out the same; Case would get blitzed, ignore me or we'd fight, and in the meantime Tony would be putting his drunken moves towards me. I was always infuiriated at Case for never noticing, and when I did tell him, for not caring or having the balls to stand up to his friend. Keeping the piece with a buddy was more important than his girlfriends comfort, or our relationship for that matter. I know for certain if a friend of Tony's acted in this regard, he would most certainly put a stop to it immediately.
He protects me, makes me feel special, makes me feel happy and beautiful. Thats all I could ever ask for. He's so much more than I ever saw him as for years, and i'm just so glad our story finally unfolded.
This week I've had a chance to repay him for all his sweeteness, and even with it being his "birthdaykuh" he's been sweet right on back; buying healthy groceries and sick stuff to make me feel better.
Monday I bought him a coffee, Tuesday a broquet, Wednesday I gave him 26 balloons with reasons why I love him. Thursday I made him lasanga dinner, gave him photos of us, and surprised him in the bedroom with lingerie. Today I am hoping his gift comes, and am taking him to a movie.

He's thinking about buying a house which is really exciting. He's keeping me involved in the process, which I love. I love the idea that he's factoring me in to his future, and that he's a forward thinking person with a drive towards something better.

I'm just really happy right now. I have absolutely no complaints about my relationship and feel like i've finally found someone worth all the heartache.

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August 14th, 2014

01:37 pm - Case
Dear Case,

I hope you are doing well and that things at Pitney Bowes are going great and that maybe even that management position you were considered for became a reality for you. You are a fantastic leader, always have been and I think you'd do great in a position like that.

I hope your Mom is doing better, and that your Grandparents are happy and full of life as ever. I think its pretty special that you've rekindled your relationship with your family.

It's been almost a year since we seperated our lives, and I'll admit I think of you often, and wonder how you are doing. I just want you to know there are no hard feelings on my end amist the chaos that happened between us in the end and I hope you are truely happy.

The way things unraveled in the end was horrible. I just want you to know how sorry I am for my part in everything, and although I had put up with my fair share of issues and was tired of waiting for our future, I should have handled it differently. I am truely sorry for the way I hurt you, that I gave up, and that I let myself act so out of character. I don't know what came over me, but I was blinded to my own actions and it impacted me greatly. I hope you can forgive me someday for how I treated you.

Even though the whole experience was terrible, I believe it has changed me for the better, and I hope it has for you as well. I feel like I am a stronger woman because of it, and know exactly how to handle my feelings in an adult way.

It saddens me that the life with you I envisioned is a dream far from reality now, but I can only wish you complete and utter happiness in your future, whatever that may be.



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August 11th, 2014

03:50 pm - Frustraited
I feel like i'm wasting my time.

wasting my life.

I just want to do something worthwhile that makes me feel like i've actually accomplished something at the end of every day.

Sitting at a desk all day worrying about how many bathroom breaks I take is not fulfilling. I feel like just one more phone call taker, one more associate and i'm not making a huge impact. Occasionally, i'll get a large escalation where i feel like I'm the hero and i get to make the merchants day and that feels great. But interacting this way, on the phone and via email is so impersonal I just don't connect. I"m a face to face person.

Every day i'm here I get this huge cloud over my head. I tell myself each morning it's going to be a good day, that i'm going to rock my work and have a great day. I get my workout and routine done and head to work and its like, i step on the premisis and immediately get angry. I get my 1 hour to focus on some emails then get on the phones. This is the base of my unhappiness. Answering phones, day after day the same questions, the same problems, different merchants. I HATE the routine of it all and the repetitive nature and the lack of variety in my days.

Maybe I dont need to make more money. Maybe I don't need to have a lucrative career. Maybe i just need to do what makes me happy. That's fitness and nutrition. Maybe personal training is a field worth pursuing. I wont make much but I can certainly supplement.

I never saw myself as someone at 1 job the rest of their life. The idea of multiple jobs to do all kinds of things has always appealed to me. Maybe run a small coffee shop, personal train, and do beachbody on the side. Sure, I wouldn't be making much, but my day to day quality of life would be so much better.

This office thing just isn't for me. It doesn't make me happy, i'm not fullfilled and it makes my life miserable. I dont think HR is going to be any better. It will still be the same corporate BS and crap that i endure here, except with more responsibility attached to it.

Maybe i really sure go for this personal training career. Maybe i should pursue being a nutritionist. Maybe I should look into school counseling like I originally wanted to do.

I have this conversation with myself over and over and nothing ever changes. I need to pick something and go after it, but honestly im scared to. I"m scared to choose the wrong thing again and again and never get anywhere in my career. i dont even have a career right now. i feel like i'm just working. at 25 i'm about average compared to other people i know my age. Not doing what i want, but making a decent living and kind of just figuring it out. Well, i want to excell. I want to be ahead of the crowd and I want to create a career I don't want to step away from.

I dont want a job that's all problems either. I hate customer service. I feel like i know some options I can go after but i also in the meantime dont want to stay here. but ...maybe thats part of it. Maybe I just suck it up and stay at this job while I work towards something better. Maybe that will give me the fulfillment I'm looking for.

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July 31st, 2014

03:11 pm - I don't know
I thought i knew yesterday.

Today i'm not sure.

I feel like a part of me is curious. Wants to date, see what else the world has to offer. Maybe there is someone else out there for me and this was the doors opening up to look more.

We have amazing chemistry and always have. We are compatitible in our desire to adventure, to travel, we both like to play games over tv, he's willing to take on my health lifestyle.... I dont know.

I can picture a future with him. But i'm not sure.

Part of me wants to dive back in and be with him.

The other part of me wants to explore, see what else the world has to offer.

But i just, dont want to reject a man when he is standing in front of me like this, willing to work, willing to be with me and taking responsibility for his actions. That speaks volumes.

Idk. Its comfortable. I like him. I love him i feel. but i never really know what that is until like 6 months so maybe i should stop saying it.

i'm figuring it out. I think i want to give him a chance because:

1. Chemistry is real: emotionally and sexually
2. I like his family. a lot.
3. He treats me well. Strokes my hair, rubs my back, makes me feel good. Does little things to make me feel good.
4. he was willing to admit fault and come forward with his feelings.
5. We have an amazing time together and when I'm with him i'm happy.

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July 29th, 2014

02:31 pm - Yes no definitely maybe
So he came back.

He wants to work on things.

He wants to fix it.

What do I even do with information like that.

When someone uproots your world like that, how do you even begin to trust them again?
what if he pulls the same shii again. I'm going to hold this fear that he will because he has. He rocked my entire world and came running back.


I appreciate you being honest with me. Coming forward with your feelings isn't easy, I know firsthand.
When you walked away from me, from our relationship I had to accept that you no longer wanted to be a part of my life. That you lost sight of a future with me and that was the end.
What you've said after the fact means a lot to me, and makes a lot more sense. However, its not easy to move past all the things you said to me on Sunday night.
Here are my concerns about letting you back in to my life:

A. You just up and quit on me at the first sign of conflict. I've seen you do it with others, and what's to say you wont do it again. I believed you were different with me, that you were committed. You violated my trust by doing so and I don't know how to get past that terror that you'll do it again. How can you show me that you are in this with me? I don't want to date for sport.
B. Adding on to part A, you mentioned when we broke up that you aren't ready for commitment. That you dont want to be married or live together or anything like that anytime in the near future. I'm not saying I expect ANY of that from you and I never did say that, but those are real things that I want out of life, and I am concerned we have different timelines in place. If this isn't something you see yourself wanting, then we are wasting our time here.
C. I am worried that you enjoy your individual life and self more than you want a life with me in it. I understand the need you have to be alone, and I can respect that, however it seems you have this constant pull towards being alone and I don't want to be left in the dust over and over. You said you couldn't, or didn't want to be a bigger part of my life than just the weekends. While I understand not every week is feasable, I refuse to be a weekend girlfriend only and I feel that you absolutely rejected the solutions we came to previously. If you are unwilling to compromise, I can't make this work on my own.
D. We are both pretty self involved. With you, it's been pretty apparent lately. You talk over me often, you don't want to accompany me to boring errands even if its still time together. I am concerned that this conflict could esalate into something larger. I may get absorbed in my life from time to time, but I DO ask you about yours and I do take correction, and I'm always happy to do anything with you, no matter how dull it may seem to me, and I do it with a happy heart because I'm with you and when we are together, even the stupidest things are fun.

I am willing to have a conversation with you about all of this. I don't know how to move forward, or what I want exactly because I feel these items need to be addressed first. If I do let you back into my life, it will be gradual and I can't promise it wont be without fights or disagreements. Relationships are about compromise, understanding and sticking with eachother after seeing even the most ugly sides of one another. THAT is how you know you love someone. When you can see past their ugliness and love them anyway. It takes work EVERY day, and its not always going to be easy. If having a relationship is too much work for you, then it would be foolish for me to be with you.

I still need time to sort out my thoughts and feelings but would be open to meeting you Friday or Saturday.

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July 28th, 2014

02:47 pm - untitled
You're going to regret it.

You're going to miss me when i'm gone.

You're going to realize that despite the issues that arose, I made your life better. I made you happy, supported you, and made your life bigger than just you in your sad dark little world.

I'm better off. I'm going to find someone who wants what I do, because I wont give up. I gave it a chance, I found something with us that was real, and was willing to do what it took to work through our differences. This is what ADULTS do when they are in a committed relaionship.

Differences dont make people incompatible, they just make them different. Learning to understand another person and cater to their individual needs is part of building a strong relationship.

Obviously, you dont want a relationship.

Obviously you are a selfish coward who wants to hide in a hole and never let anyone see the real you. You dont want to get hurt, you dont want to commit because that means you would have to compromise and possibly do things that you dont want to do.

You're a pathetic, sad little boy. You're a coward who gave up on a good thing because it got hard. I feel sorry for you and am so grateful that I got away from you before I got in deep.

The damage you've done to me is repairable. I'll forget about you soon enough.

But me? I'm going to haunt you forever. You'll remember my smile, you'll remember the great sex, you'll remember how it felt to hold me close, the breakfast in bed, the sweet messages and everything that made me.
I'm the standard you'll hold all future relationships to. I won't take you back, and you'll regret the immature, selfish, child like behavior that decided you would end a great thing because it was real. Sorry, not sorry.

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July 24th, 2014

01:02 am - Slow down girl
I'm scared of losing him.

But it's starting to become a reality, and his friend is right. I'm not happy a lot of the time with my own life and I've projected that onto him, making it about time together, or whatever crazy fucking thing I think of at the time.

I need to give him the space to get what he needs to get done.

I need to keep myself more busy to keep myself happy.

I need to stop letting my relationship control my happiness.

I need to stop being short sighted about my relationship and think every little feeling I have needs to be expressed.

This guy is amazing and i'm draining him to the point that he's tired of it.

I just need to make major changes and fast.

As far as jobs are concerned- I most certainly need to figure out what I want to do and I need to be doing this on my own. Being unhappy and complaining about it constantly doesn't get me anywhere.

It was his friend's idea that i start journaling and maybe i'll be coming here more often to get out all these stupid thoughts. Because he doesn't need to hear it and its really straining both of our happiness.

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