July 29th, 2014
|02:31 pm - Yes no definitely maybe|
So he came back.
He wants to work on things.
He wants to fix it.
What do I even do with information like that.
When someone uproots your world like that, how do you even begin to trust them again?
what if he pulls the same shii again. I'm going to hold this fear that he will because he has. He rocked my entire world and came running back.
I appreciate you being honest with me. Coming forward with your feelings isn't easy, I know firsthand.
When you walked away from me, from our relationship I had to accept that you no longer wanted to be a part of my life. That you lost sight of a future with me and that was the end.
What you've said after the fact means a lot to me, and makes a lot more sense. However, its not easy to move past all the things you said to me on Sunday night.
Here are my concerns about letting you back in to my life:
A. You just up and quit on me at the first sign of conflict. I've seen you do it with others, and what's to say you wont do it again. I believed you were different with me, that you were committed. You violated my trust by doing so and I don't know how to get past that terror that you'll do it again. How can you show me that you are in this with me? I don't want to date for sport.
B. Adding on to part A, you mentioned when we broke up that you aren't ready for commitment. That you dont want to be married or live together or anything like that anytime in the near future. I'm not saying I expect ANY of that from you and I never did say that, but those are real things that I want out of life, and I am concerned we have different timelines in place. If this isn't something you see yourself wanting, then we are wasting our time here.
C. I am worried that you enjoy your individual life and self more than you want a life with me in it. I understand the need you have to be alone, and I can respect that, however it seems you have this constant pull towards being alone and I don't want to be left in the dust over and over. You said you couldn't, or didn't want to be a bigger part of my life than just the weekends. While I understand not every week is feasable, I refuse to be a weekend girlfriend only and I feel that you absolutely rejected the solutions we came to previously. If you are unwilling to compromise, I can't make this work on my own.
D. We are both pretty self involved. With you, it's been pretty apparent lately. You talk over me often, you don't want to accompany me to boring errands even if its still time together. I am concerned that this conflict could esalate into something larger. I may get absorbed in my life from time to time, but I DO ask you about yours and I do take correction, and I'm always happy to do anything with you, no matter how dull it may seem to me, and I do it with a happy heart because I'm with you and when we are together, even the stupidest things are fun.
I am willing to have a conversation with you about all of this. I don't know how to move forward, or what I want exactly because I feel these items need to be addressed first. If I do let you back into my life, it will be gradual and I can't promise it wont be without fights or disagreements. Relationships are about compromise, understanding and sticking with eachother after seeing even the most ugly sides of one another. THAT is how you know you love someone. When you can see past their ugliness and love them anyway. It takes work EVERY day, and its not always going to be easy. If having a relationship is too much work for you, then it would be foolish for me to be with you.
I still need time to sort out my thoughts and feelings but would be open to meeting you Friday or Saturday.