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October 14th, 2014

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04:20 pm - Thoughts
I'm coming off a cold, its dreary outside and i just feel disgusting, physically and mentally and i'm real frustrated with where I am for 25.

I have a great support system here. Wonderful friends and family of friends who pick me up when I fall, i've established a community that I feel safe enough to stay regardless of my relationship situation.

My relationship situation.... in a relationship. With Tony Marrazzo, and on it's 6 month of being so. Things are going well it seems. We continue to learn about each other and figure things out as we go, but sometimes he gets busy and I go back to being this lost little person because I have no outside fulfillment in my life. Sure i have my workouts, i have my friends, wine and other fleeting things that make me happy for moments. What I'm missing though? Direction. Purpose. A career I passionately get up every day happy to do.

I've had so many different ideas cross my mind and it just seriously drives me crazy that I can't just pick one and stick with it. I heard something today about picking things. You just pick something....and do it the best you can. Maybe that's what I need to do. I thought i did that the first time but the first time, I picked something thankless, penniless and draining. I guess this time around i'm looking to not make the same mistake and find something that is equally fulfilling, enjoyable, fun, exciting and lucrative. Does such a career even exist?

The hard thing about me, is that i'm easily mold-able. I can see myself doing so many different things, yet I pursue none of them. See impressive list:

1. School Counselor: This is one I had back in high school. Creating unique solutions for each kids life/career plan....helping them through tough stuff and the hours of a teacher with summers off? Seems like a sweet deal. Yet, requires more school and likely the kind of job i'd have to move for.

2. Personal Trainer: Stemming from my passion of helping people, this is something i've always found an interest in. However, its sporadic and isn't going to provide much more of an income than my current dead end.

3. Nutritionist: Helping people make healthy choices and helping educate on those healthy choices? Seems REALLY awesome to me. I've looked into it. Nutritionists are far and few between and he road to becoming a licensed dietitian is a hard one. I'm intimidated by the math and science associated with a kind of job like this and wonder if i'd fail.

4. Get my MBA and do something...business-y. But WHAT? The corporate world doesn't interest me, nor do I fit in. The only reason i'd pursue HR is to stay out of the line of HR. Talk about ironic.

5. Get my MSW, suck it up and do some social work. Let's face it, when i'm looking for jobs, this is what I gravitate towards. Maybe out of habit, perhaps, but also because these kind of jobs truly do draw me in. If I'm meant to do it in some way, why not achieve that higher education and go for it? with the MBA at least I would be making substantially more.

And there you have it. my top 5 floating career ideas. Maybe i'm just not the type of person that ever achieves fulfillment from a job alone. Maybe its having my personal life in order, strong support and social life and a mirage of hobbies that keeps me going.

I just believe there is more to me than that. I have a passion for education and learning. I dream big and have high expectations of myself and what I can accomplish. I want to pursue a masters degree in some regard, whatever that may be but am intimidated by the careers that interest me because they seem time consuming and hard and to be completely honest I don't think i can bs my way through my current situation much longer.

So what am I supposed to do?

I guess the only thing I can continue to do is keep looking. Keep asking questions and exploring whenever I can. I think i'm close to a breakthrough I can feel it, I just have to get through all the difficult internalizing that I struggle so much with. Wish me luck.

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