October 30th, 2014
|03:05 pm - Thoughts|
I'm just sitting here at starbucks, stuck.
I've applied to 4 jobs. That aspect of my life is going... ok. I'm certainly trying.
Tony dropped off all communication last night only to tell me today that he's back in the whirlwind of emotions that was the last few days activity. He's still hurt by what happened and isn't sure he can move past it.
but... we did. We had an understanding and had pages and pages of emails between us both detailing specifically HOW we were to move past it.
And now he's dragging me over the coals all over again? Are you freaking kidding me.
I made a mistake seeing Mike and not telling him about it. I honestly didn't remember that it was something he and told me he didn't want, and to be honest I think it's more about going against what he said than it is about not disclosing it. I was trying to protect the relationship. I didn't tell him straight off- but he denied me the opportunity to do so by looking at my phone. He never trusted me even from the start.
He has view of me that just isn't valid. He believes that i'm some awful cheating person when thats not at all what I am. I had a very broke relationship with Case and that caused me to act inappropriately on my feelings for Tony, but that doesn't make me a bad person. It's like he already thinks it and he's fighting that impulse more than anything.
I've said everything that I CAN say about the situation to him. How sorry I am, i've fought for us time and time again but if he can't believe me, if he can't trust me, this whole thing isn't going to work at all.
I just think it's complete bullshit that he would pull me back in like that, and then pull back again. No one deserves that kind of emotional turmoil. If he needed time he should have taken the time. This is bordering on unfair to me now, as I've paid for my actions and provided solutions.
At this point i'm not even sure he's the man I'm supposed to be with. You can't be with someone who doesn't trust you. Maybe he doesn't just this moment, but with time he could. It's his choice whether or not he wants to, and I just have to accept it.
The torture is the waiting. The being stuck. Sitting here on our 6 month anniversary feeling like the cheater I very much am NOT. He made mistakes too. He violated my privacy with his deep rooted insecurities, yet does that get taken into consideration? NO.
My closest friends and family are not happy. They see red flags and they don't believe I should be with anyone at this time. Maybe they're right, maybe they're not. All I can do is pray that he will come to some conclusion so that either way we can move forward, together or apart.