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July 14th, 2014

02:51 pm - Idk.


Tony told Case. So its out there. He knows someone else makes me happy, he knows i'm dating his best friend and...he doesn't seem to care.

He doesn't seem all that interested in remaining friends with Tony, but he also doesn't seem to care about the me part of it all.

I can't say i'm surprised. I dont know. I think no matter how he replied I wouldn't like it.

But i wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he regrets turning away from me on my knees, I wonder if he's happy with that worthless piece of spokane trash, or if they are even still together.

I feel sad for him, that he has not remaining friends. He's lost everyone he's closest to, after we broke up. And why? because he had no one to push him to maintain his relationships. His loss. I was good for him and he didn't want it.

I hate that I still love him. I hate that i think of him so often. Do i think i'm better off without him? Maybe. Am i happy with Tony? Absolutely.

Tony treats me right. He listens to my concerns, meets my needs and adapts to meet them when he doesn't. He's a stand up guy, a gentleman with amazing manners and we have amazing chemistry. We always have.

I dont know what he's up to now, I dont know if he's happier. I certainly hope he's happy, because I do love him. But at the same time, I think i'm partially waiting for him to say SOMETHING to me. Other than minimal things about bills and other mundane breakup stuff.

I can't expect that. He'll never come back to me. I am working on the accepting part, and i've already moved on.

It'll get easier as time passes. It's just hard knowing he's out there, living a life with me.

Just like I am.

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July 1st, 2014

11:59 am - Coconut oil!
So, being a fan of change and adventure, I often like to dye my hair, mostly colors it would never dream of being.

I've landed on Blonde. I love the way it looks on me, and I think I really do have more fun! BUT. Blonde is the harshest possible color for my naturally light brown hair because i'm really forcing it to be a color I have no natural roots too. End result- really pretty blonde hair but also... really DRY, frizzy, brittle, pissed off hair.

Enter- products. I could name tones of things I've used that have kinda helped get life back into my hair- but the one thing that has made the biggest, fastest and most noticible improvements is something you'd find in the kitchen.

COCONUT OIL! (picture)

This magic oil, known for its many benefits through oil pulling, moisturizure and more, is also an AMAZING deep conditioner. I use it 1-3 times a week to get my hair back to a smooth, silky feel and shiny, vibrant color.

I used coconut oil for the first time after I had just had a double process done on my hair (sigh....that was a long day.) Needless to say my hair was thirsty. I melted a couple tablespoons of the oil (unrefined coconut oil comes in a kind of paste-like form) in the micro till it was liquified. From there, I applied with a coloring brush/my hands from the ends to the root, focusing mostly on the ends where it was really dry.

Clipped my hair up, put a shower cap over it and called it a night. Very easy. Woke up, did a workout & shower, let my hair air dry to reveal softer, healthier hair!

For something I already had in my kitchen, I'm extremely impressed with how well cocounut oil works for me. Instead of buying expensive fancy products from the salon, i'll stand by my coconut oil for fresh hair repair!

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June 30th, 2014

04:15 pm - Supplements
So I promised a while back and here it is! My Supplement Stack!

Maddy's Supplement Stack!

Meal Replacement:

Shakeology- I use shakeology as my healthy breakfast meal. I hate cooking in the morning usually, so its fast, easy to drink, nutritiously dense and tastes great. Provides my body with plenty of priobiotics, super foods and vitamins so I know it's a good start to my day, plus the protein and chia seeds keep me full.


I buy "ABOUT TIME" whey protein. It's sweetened with Stevia, 25g of isolate protein per serving, lactose free, gluten free, only 100 calories and under 50 bucks. I don't use protein very often, so price is pretty important to me seeing as I use it very supplementally as an extra to my shakeology on lifting days or as a baking base for protein pancakes and protein waffles! (Recipes coming soon!)


I vary my preworkouts depending on how i'm feeling and whiat kind of workout i'm doing that day. Right now, I am switching between C4 and Beachbody's Energy and Endurance Formula. C4 has the beta kerotine in it that is tingly and weird so its pretty awesome for punching out long or challenging workouts like insanity, heavy lifting or double workouts. However, C4 DOES occasionally make me sick when I take it on an empty stomach so I try not to take it every day.

Energy and Endurance (E&E) formula has no artificial crap in it, and provides me with a little boost to last longer in my workouts and kind of pumps me up to get going. Its definitely not as intense as the c4, and the lemon-lime flavor is... so-so. I drink it for the purpose not the taste but I definitely like to keep this one on hand because it is a solid pre workout supp that doesn't have a bunch of crap in it.


Results and Recovery (Fondly referred to as R&R) is AMAZING. Delcious and provides the perfect 5g carb to 1 g protein balance that our bodies require for post workout recovery meal. I definitely get less sore when I'm taking it and it tastes like a freakin creamsicle so I actually look forward to it sometimes as my reason to work out!

I'm out of R&R right now, so I decided to try something new...

NLA-For Her- Aminos. Amino acids are great for recovery and building lean muscle, and also quite beneficial for intra workout endurance. It also has the beta kerotine in it so I do get the tingly effects from drinking it. So far i've had pretty great muscle recovery while drinking this, and i've just started a new lifting routine so I can tell that its due to the aminos. These taste great also!


Cordastra- I got a 30 day trial of this through Beachbody a while back. I dont take it every day, but I take it when I think i'm getting sick- its an immune system booster and I really dig it. Just a cap pill. It seems to help me fight illness faster and get better sooner.

NLA-For her-Shred her: This one is a fat burner. Now, I have never, ever taken a fat burner before because I feel like they are cheating. A lot of fat burners out there are a hoax and as soon as you stop taking them you go back to where you were but this one is very explicit about what's in it and what it can do for you and I already feel like it is helping me move beyond my plateu i've hit in my results. It elevates my mood, and severely reduces hunger pangs (I dont get hangry as fast while taking them- which is great for me and my boyfriend! haha)
Here's what all is in it, and why I feel its worth a try.
per NLA website:
-Green Tea Extract: A powerful antioxidant that contributes to increased weight loss, lower cholesterol and blood pressure, decreased inflammation, helps prevent free radical oxidation, and helps slow the aging process of cells.
-Raspberry Ketones: Causes the fat within your cells to get broken up more effectively, helping your body burn fat faster when paired with regular exercise. Raspberry Ketones also helps regulate adiponectin, a protein used by the body to regulate metabolism.
-Caffeine: The most common stimulant and thermogenic. Caffeine helps increase energy, lift mood, increases thermogenesis (your body generates heat and energy) and may increase fat burning when taken pre-workout.
-Citrus Aurantium Extract: The most notable benefits of Citrus Aurantium extract are its ability to increase resting metabolic rate, resulting in weight loss. It also exhibits a powerful thermogenic effects, generating heat and energy in your body. -Ursolic Acid: One of the newest and most effective ingredients that helps reduce fat storage and increases fat burning, reduces the conversion of blood sugar to fat, increases energy reserves in muscles, reduces abdominal fat, and contributes to increased lean muscle mass.

Anyway- That's my line up. I feel each supplement i'm taking really does benefit me in a different way and feel they are accelerating my ability to break plateaus and get results. Feel free to comment or come to me with questions!

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June 10th, 2014

04:42 pm - I'm being ridiculous.
I'm being ridiculous.


starting a fight.

for no reason.


I just dont know why i'm upset. He didn't do anything out of the normal. I just feel...idk. like we are competing for who's more independent? Or like....he's trying to show me he's fine without me? I dont know. I should be glad he's not clingy but I just dont like being dismissed all the time. I"ll talk to you later rather upruptly, i mean, just respond when you can. I know he's just trying to stay transparent but i'm being a pill to deal with i guess.

I dont know. its a dumb thing to get mad about. maybe i'm picking a fight because i'm bored? or because I wanna see what its like? i dont think so. i'm geninuely happy with him. Maybe its a control thing, i dont know. I dont like to be left, i dont like to have conversations ended on me and i dont like to noit call the shots. it stupid immature bs and i need to knock it off.

i'm finally with someone who makes me happy daily and treats me unbelievably well and communicates and is goofy and fun and has passion and I'm picking at it, poking holes in it because...i dont know what.

It's not self sabotoge, or like i'm storing a place for Case. I know he's gone. I dont think about him except for on my drives to work.

I wonder how he is, if he's happy, if he misses me but thats really all. I hope he regrets how he let things go and I hope he knows i'm happy now. I got my closure and i'm more than healthy enough in my life now, Tony has been a big part of that. Corbin and i had something missing and it made it hard to forget what Case and I had. Tony makes me forget my past and embrace the potential of future and thats REALLY good. but my heart hasn't caught up all the way entirely. My head is ok now. I just wish my heart would be.

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May 22nd, 2014

02:56 pm - Voices
I'm happy with my life right now, and my relationship is progressing very well. He treats me well, he's everything I was looking for and I am starting to think I could even love him. Too soon to be sure, but there is potential.

I know you can't be happy when you look back, but I can't help myself sometimes. I think about Case and I, and I just dont understand why he was willing to give it all up after everything. It makes me angry to think about him with Anna, and I dont understand how he would pick her over me. I'm literally eating my own medicine, I know this.

I also know we were horrible. We treated each other badly by the end, and honestly, I never felt like he treated me properly. He ignored me a lot, and there were so many unresolved issues, so many conversations that ended in frustraition. It could be a sign that it was just not meant to be, maybe this is what they mean when they say, once you are with the right person you will see why it never worked out with anyone else.

But despite his flaws, I can't help but still love him, and that still gets to me from time to time. I dont cry anymore. I dont expect him to text me. I dont even see it as a viable possibily that he'll be showing up at my door begging for me back.

I think it will be good when Tony tells him. It'll show him that I'm not just sitting around waiting for him.

and i'm not.

We both said "you never know what the future will hold" but i'm 98% sure that it wont involve him. What, are we going to run into each other at the grocery store? Are we gonna stumble into each other later in life? Unlikely. And based on the fact that Case is literally the world's worst communicator, there is no relationship to salvage whatsoever.

I constantly have to remind myself...I dumped him. I wanted to be apart from him. And this is just how it's suppose to be, this is how its going and it's all going to be just fine.

I wish it was different sometimes. I wish i had stuck it out, worked on things and made it through all the problems we had. But the truth is...if you really aren't meant to be with someone, is sticking it out really the right thing to do? I mean, I think being honest with yourself is important too. Truth is, i didn't want to be faithful anymore and i didn't even want to support him anymore. I was tired of being the mom, not the girlfriend and I put in 5 years of work with minimal results. Something was always more important than me, and that hasn't changed. A job, an internship, firefighting, Case will always prioritize something else over his relationships. I can't be second like that. I can take a backseat to work occasionally, I can have a late dinner, but overall? To be ignored and not prioritized? That's just not how I want it to be.

You can't have a one sided relationship, and I gave it my absolute best and it just simply didn't work out. He proved he's not the right kind of guy for me and now I'm with someone who could be. I am excited about it, and I dont expect anything, but am constantly pleased with what i'm seeing.

Here's to never looking back.

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May 16th, 2014

09:25 pm - Just saying things
I don't know if he's the one, or even how into it I am.

I like him. I'm certain of that. we have so much in common. we've been friends forever, and we've always had this attraction....but I feel like part of me is holding back, unsure or just...not into it?

I don't know but I better figure it out soon, i'm meeting his parents this weekend, I mean shoot.

Maybe I should give it more time, its going to be harder to get to that point because we were friends first? I don't know. I just... don't know.
With Andrew, he was a friend. We kissed, but nothing ever went much further because I was so back and forth. Swinging door.
With Aaron, I was in young love. I felt comfortable, but had a strong attraction, but wasn't ready for more of a deep connection as much as I wanted it. And it ended, and I learned how to deal with heartbreak.
With Robbie, I was young, I was infatuated and I loved the mystery. But it was nothing more than a fantas
With Adam, I was infatuated with the idea of what we could be. We were so similar it seemed perfect but the timing just didn't pan out and in the end, it just wouldn't have been what I imagined anyway.
With Jared, I was attached to his kindness, but deep down I knew he wasn't it. He annoyed me and I knew he just...didn't get me.
With Case, I was undoubtedly irrevocably in love with him. Despite the fact that our sex life was less than stellar, as a consistent factor, I loved every fiber of that man's being. And regrettably still do. But there was too much damage, too much hurt and not enough in us left to make it work. And in the end, I couldn't convince him it was worth it. And I think all along, I always was trying to, and that's just not how it should be.
With Corbin, I fell fast and hard because he said all the right things. Maybe with incentive in mind, maybe with truth, no way to really know, but ultimately, it was a lust filled frenzy that fizzled out because the reality of the distance became too hard, we were in different places in our lives and our attraction wasn't enough, there wasn't any depth and I felt unchallenged and still really empty.
With Tony, I have someone who can challenge me, emotionally, intellectually and sexually. So why can't I jump in? Why am holding back? Why am I not excited to do the little things I did for Corbin and Case? Maybe I'm just not falling as fast. Maybe I'm being careful. I don't know, I don't know if its good or bad or if it means its just not right, but I want to give this a shot. This guy could have some true potential, and if I like him, I owe it to myself to stick it out. If I'm not falling like an idiot, then I should be proud of that. I guess I just need to give it time.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: Pensive
Current Music: A Beautiful Mess, Jason Mraz

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May 14th, 2014

12:19 pm - The Problem with Eating Clean?
What is eating clean? This is the absolute best definition I have found, because it breaks it down into the multi-facited ordeal that it has become. http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/what-is-clean-eating/

But lately, this has become a hot button "diet" plan for people everywhere. Whether its Vegans "eating clean" their way or paleo fiends clean eating their way through protein packed bacon and eggs, or just a simple girl like myself, trying to increase fruit and vegetable intake and decrease the amount of processed foods, there is so much room for interpretation here.

What I don't find acceptable, is the soap box that comes along with the new lifestle. Like it makes you the food police, or makes you licensed to tell others what is or isn't acceptable just because you dont eat it.

I believe that eating clean is a healthy revolution that should be welcomed by mainstream society, but not judged for its validity. If someone is choosing to make a HUGE lifestyle change, and go from eating take out every night to preparing their meals at home, cooking with whole foods and increasing their fruit and veggies, that should be met with encouragement not scrutiny.

When I first started eating clean I didn't know the first thing about it. I googled it, I asked my coach Jamie, I looked up recipes that said they were "clean", and this helped me get a better understanding of what the expectations where. But I definitely still had room for interpretation. I still had sweetener in my coffee or ranch with my carrots, I made small adjustments, because it moved me towards a healthier lifestyle. Eventually, I didn't need that creamer or the ranch, but I was on my way to a healthier life and healthier me, so I believed to me, this was "clean eating". I wasn't met with criticism that I had some processed junk still in my life, I was encouraged to continue the positive choices I was making, and therefore this inspired me to continue to make improvements. A year ago, I still had cheese at every meal almost, and now, I have it on maybe on a day. It's a personal choice I made, to cut out something I feel my body doesn't need and doesn't process properly. It's a step i've made in an effort to eat better, and ultimately I'd like to skip it all together, which is a goal i've set for myself.

We are all on our own fitness journeys and all at different places within them. A quote my wonderful friend Marah once posted was "Don't compare your start to someone elses middle" or something loosely to that effect. I'm not great with quotes...haha. But, this really is truth. You can't expect a person new to health and fitness to treat it the same way as someone with a few years of healthy living under their belt.

Basically the reason for this post, is my need to express that we should all aim to respect each other's journeys and progress, and avoid scrutinizing others efforts. Encourage one another. Share recipes, share your journeys, and enjoy the fun revolution that is Eating Clean. If a fancy label is what it takes to clean up American nutrition, than who cares what it means?!

Thanks for reading, I hope this post didn't come off directional or ranty, it's just something as a fitness coach, I'm very passionate about. Hopefully, readers, you take this to heart as a note and not to offend. :)

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11:23 am - Thoughts.
I'm happy with him.
~He makes me laugh
~Sex drive
~Interest in my life and passions
~Easy to talk to
~Inside jokes
~Mature match

but... i'm just starting to feel a bit... smothered. Like, to me, when a guy gets that look about him that crazy love look...they start to apeal to me less. It's awful, and maybe its a defense mechanism but it honestly just makes me want to be alone. I don't want to cuddle all night long, and I dont want to kiss in the middle of the night or whatever. And humping me playfully doesn't work as a backup attempt either. If I want to sleep I want to sleep.

And when I woke up in the morning it was like, a million questions. i dont want to talk, I want to wake up, read my newsfeed and get my workout done. I very much like to do these things alone. Plus with Jenna coming over every morning to work out, its like I'm losing my morning to myself.

It's nothing he did. All he's doing is liking me and treating me nicely. But I mean, I was single long enough to be ok with my independence and and i still need to hold on to that in some regard. Maybe just see each other on the weekends, maybe a week day here and there, but back to back days for several days gets to be too much.

I know i shouldn't go here...but i dont remember feeling this way with Case, maybe i did. I know he annoyed me sometimes, but he was always easy to be around and i felt like i always wanted to be with him.

I just need space. and my own activities. and just... I dont want to lose myself you know? This could be a really good thing and i dont want to ruin it by diving in to quickly.

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May 13th, 2014

01:05 pm - rant
I can't even stand today.

Mike is pissing me off.

Merchants are pissing me off.

I need a new job. but dont have time to look, or forget to make time to.

I'm really happy in my new relationship, like, laughing and being myself and feeling like I havent in almost a year...and i feel like i can't tell anyone or talk about it because of all the tumultious behavior i've bestowed upon my friends in the last 6 monthes of turmoil with Case, then Corbin, then Case again.

I"m not over Case completely. my heart still stings some times, and when i go through my stuff i brought home it hurts to find things that relate. I know i just have to do it and push through it but I just feel like i can't yet.

But with Tony, i'm actually geniunely happy. I have laughing fits, feel myself, feel relaxed, dont feel like i did with other dates and with Corbin where I change pieces of me and FORCED it. There is no forcing with Tony because he already knows me and knows the situation and he's accepted that its going to take me some time to heal, despite how i feel about him.

But i want to talk about Tony, share things in my life with the people i care about and i feel like i cant because they feel like this is just another fleeting attempt of desperation to find someone so i'm not lonely.

well guess what? its not. I am happy alone and finally was just fine with having my life about me and whatever i felt like doing. Sure, i miss the freedom slightly, but the truth is thats a good thing, it means i'm healthy and even so, i want to spend time with Tony, thats HEALTHY too. I feel like i can't be with someone and happy because everyone wants me to be single based on the train wreck i just pulled through.

I know i'm emotional. I know that i externally deal with these things, but once i come to a resolution in my mind, i move on quickly. I had a month and a half to accept all things with Case and with Corbin and move on, do my thing and when Tony approached me I truely wanted to give it a shot. He's someone i've considered for years and we've had a long history of attraction, friendship and general life involvement.

I just feel like Jenna doesn't care. She doesn't ask thing about my life anymore and she doesn't ask about Tony. i ask how things are for her, i support the wedding thinsg and i feel like i genunuely support whatever she asks me to. But if i talk about Tony or mention it or if hes there she's just...meh. Its like she doesn't even want to give him a chance and it bothers me. He's my boyfriend, he's important to me and I just want her to be happy for me.

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April 24th, 2014

10:46 am - Done
I'm done.

He finally answered me. I heard him. He doesn't want to get back together, says its not right for him. So i'm moving on. I'm done trying to make it work or change his mind. Its over. I'm going to get my things, split our finances and move on with my life.

I dont know what the future holds, but i'm not waiting around to make him a part of it. Despite how I feel, what I want, or anything, I deserve better. I deserve more than no communication, not feeling loved, and feeling alone in my relationship.

No matter how much good there was, there was still a lot of bad. We both need to grow on our own, and i'm not afraid of growing apart anymore. Case's not the kind of person that you can savalge a friendship with.

I'm moving closer to what I DO want. I've learned from being with Case, I got so close to having the right one, but it just wasn't all there.

I want someone who can express their feelings.
Someone who wants to be a part of my world, and not just live in theirs.
I want someone who can be goofy, silly and isn't afraid to make fun of themselves.
I want passion.
I want good sex. A lot of it.
i want someone who is driven and motivated about their future.
I want someone who wont hold marriage over my head.
someone who pays attention to me and wants to do things together.
someone who shares my interests and is willing to make new ones together.
I want love.

but most of all, i just want to be happy. On my own first. I dont want a guy to provide me with happiness, I only want that as a supplement. Just like I can be healthy without shakeology, but it makes my life that much better when i do drink it. i'm finally ok being alone, being single, and just figuring myself out.

Maybe i'll move back to Seattle. Maybe i'll find a different job here. Who knows. My future is unwritten, and although thats terrifying, its also beautiful. My life is a beautiful mess and at 24, I think its ok i'm still figuring it out.

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